writing again

After a rather long hiatus, I am finally able to look at everything here and have a small bit of peace about it. Since my last post We have been pregnant, lost it, and we are now pregnant again, 23 weeks along to be exact. It took so long, 4 years of pure hell but we are here. When we found out we were pregnant in August I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it honestly. I went through the motions, had morning sickness, and finally about 2 weeks later we had our first doctors appointment. (After finding out we had PCOS a while back I was told that the likely hood of getting pregnant was >8% and the chance of carrying full term was even smaller, i was terrified.) Well, We went in to see our doctor, his name is Dr. Sakbun, He went over our history of miscarriages and you could see the sadness in him as he was reading my charts, and he was overjoyed for us that we were pregnant again. He made himself completely available for me anytime I wanted to talk or see him or anything. He really is a wonderful doctor. He told us that day of our first appointment that he would do everything he could to help us  if that meant counseling, medication, bed rest, anything he could do, which was way more than any doctor had ever done for us at this point. We done our first ultrasound that day as well and learned that he was very healthy, and growing normally, and I cried seeing him there so tiny on that ultrasound, hearing his heart thump thump, he was there, he was alive. We were scheduled for our next visit in 3 weeks.

3 long weeks passed, everyday was so stressful, and still is, I kept thinking something terrible was going to happen, kept having terrible nightmares. I couldn't sleep and the morning sickness was still there and eating was a chore. I had lost roughly 20 lbs in our first 3 months being pregnant. My husband was worried that I was losing too much weight, He kept commenting on how thin my face had gotten and how pale my face was and how dark my eyes were. I couldn't help it, I tried to eat, the only thing that wouldn't upset my stomach was fruit so I ate that by the pound. Our next appointment we had another ultrasound just to check in on him and we had blood work done. He was so big at this point it was amazing, he had went from a tiny little dot on the screen with a heartbeat to an alien like figure with a head and arms and legs. He was beautiful, he was mine. I couldnt believe how much he had grown in just 3 short weeks, it was quite amazing. We got out blood work done and my pelvic exam and the doctor sat with us and told us everything he knew about our pregnancy so far. He told us that everything was healthy so far and that after week 13 we would be 99% in the clear, not 100% because nothing in life is 100%. We were scheduled for another appointment in 3 weeks.

3 more weeks had passed and we were back in his office, he read my blood work and said I was healthy as a horse and so was the baby, he asked if we had any concerns or questions and answered everything I had to ask, and sat and talked with us. Our next appointment was to find out boy or girl! It was scheduled for 8 days before christmas! On the day we were supposed to go see our baby the doctor called and he was sick and wasn't in his office that day so we had to reschedule, 2 more agonizing weeks to wait to see our baby. 2 weeks passed and the day before our appointment the blizzard of the century hit, a foot of snow!! Once again, we had to reschedule for 2 more weeks away. That 2 weeks CREPT by ever so slowly but finally when it was here we were so excited! Sophie and I met up with Neal at the doctors office at 3:30pm and our appointment was set for 4pm. I drank a bottle of water and tried not to be nervous. They called us back and Sophie, Neal and I got settled onto the table and ready to see our baby. Sophie was so excited she couldn't stop bouncing up and down on her daddy's lap. She was (and is) so excited to have a little baby in the house finally. They started the ultrasound and Sophie jabbered to the nurses about how she was going to get a little sister. Well, needless to say she was VERY disappointed, she was getting a brother. We are getting a SON! A bouncing baby boy! I thought Neal was going to cry when he heard he was finally getting his son, I know I did.

So far we are 23 weeks along, and our little boy is healthy, and that is all we can ask for.

Trying to move past things.

Life here lately has been chaos, we moved back to Indiana to be with my husband Neal's family, we are currently living with his parents while looking for a place of our own. I am attending school, and i work at gamestop part time. Here lately i have done a lot of thinking about life in general because some things have happened that has made me question everything. My best friend decided she wanted to "dump" me, Respect the Breast is no longer mine, and i am just having a seriously hard time in life. I have been struggling with some things that i am afraid to just come out in the open and talk about because i am still coping with everything that has happened to me and my family in the past 4 months. I think i have come to the conclusion that i do not want to try for another child again any time soon, i don't think my heart could take it if i were to lose yet another child. I am not mentally ready for a pregnancy either nor are we financially stable enough. There are a few of my "friends" that are pregnant or have just had a baby and here lately its like every time i see a post from them my heart sinks, and i get so very jealous because they are getting what i want out of life and i see it to be so unfair. Especially when i know some of those people will not care for their child as a child should be cared for, women who are crack heads getting pregnant and going through a pregnancy perfectly fine and me being a good person, a good mother and a very clean person just cant. It is unfair. I just want to sit and cry and scream when i see people who, i think, do not deserve children being able to have them and then care for them poorly. It breaks my heart. I am dealing with a lot right now and i'm trying really hard not to fall into old habits because of depression. I know i'm depressed because i just don't feel like i am myself anymore. i am not interested in hanging out with friends, doing my normal hobbies, or anything i just want to sit in my bed forever, and never leave. I just wish life would get better, and stop snowballing down hill so fast, i feel like im drowning.

poem

One night I cried to Jesus as I sat beneath the trees.

I looked into the open sky and hoped He'd answer me.

I'm lost dear Lord. I've traveled far but still I seam to roam.

Please light the way and lead me, Lord. I need to get back home.

I told him of my burdens and of the sadness in my heart-

That from His gracious love I'd never felt so far apart.

Why did you take my child, Lord? I cannot understand!

No longer can I touch her face or hold her tiny hand.

I'm angry, Lord. I'm missing her. I'm drowning in my sorrow.

Please help to heal my yesterday's and face each new tomorrow.

It was then I heard her gentle voice and I felt her presence near.

How I wanted so to hold her as I cried another tear.

She said, "Mommy, "I 'm an angel now, my spirit will be free.

I'm an angel now in heaven, so please don't cry for me.

I was chosen by our Lord above and now I'm in his care.

When you need me, look inside your heart. I promise to be there.

No one can ever take away our bond with one another

For I'll always be your precious child, as you will be my mother.

So if you cannot find your way or the road to home seems so far,

Just look up into the Heavens and I'll be you guiding star."

She said, "Mommy, I'm an angel now, my spirit will be free.

I'm an angel now in Heaven, no need to cry for me."

~Janice Henshaw~

A letter from an angel

Mommy,

Please don't be so sad,

I miss you so much too.

It's beautiful here where I am

But I worry a lot about you.

I sleep with the angels watching over me

There's only love up here...

I'm never lonely or afraid,

'Cause God's so very near.

I walk with Jesus every day

He's very kind and sweet.

Don't worry Mommy: He holds my hand

When we cross a golden street.

I never cry or hurt myself

I see my Great Grandma everyday.....

I play and laugh and sing a lot

And I hear you when you pray.

Please Mommy, don't be mad at God

You see, he loves me too.

And even though you're not here with me,

I'm really still with you.

From: http://www.krabbes.com/haleys_hope/the_poem_page.htm

*~R.I.P baby bug~* (warning: Graphic image attached)

We have lost baby bug. At 9pm on Wednesday night i started to spot, i knew it was over. My very good friend Ellen drove me to the hospital and they did a number of tests on me. they said everything looked okay but it was a threatened miscarriage. the next morning i started to really bleed and cramp. Thursday night around 9pm i passed what looked like a tiny little body.. i put it on a piece of toilet paper and showed it to hubby who also thought it looked like that. My heart is in pieces.. My rainbow baby is gone and no one could stop it or prevent it. I have included a pic of the piece of toilet paper with the tiny body on it. i know its probably gross and may not look like anything to anyone else.. but i know thats my baby.

Pregnancy week 6 with Rainbow Baby

So far so good! Doctors appointment on June 15th for blood work and to hear the heart beat! get to do an ultrasound at 11 weeks to make sure baby bug is growing and healthy! Im so excited about this pregnancy! So far morning sickness has been coming and going, but other than that i feel great! i have a ton of energy and have been doing alot of cleaning and organizing around the house. We have ran into one problem and thats the fact that our house is only two bedrooms that are VERY small. We are debating on adding two rooms on or just getting a modular, but we cant afford a modular nor can we get a loan. So for right now we are trying to make some decisions on what to do.. i know we have 9 monhts before baby is here but if were going to get this done id rather do it now and go ahead and get stuff set up and ready for the baby as soon as i can! I have alot of plans for this baby, co-sleeping (like we did with sophie), Breastfeeding for at least a year.. im hoping for longer but start out with a reachable goal and go from there! I just hope that he/she is safe in my belly.. i worry everyday that im going to lose my rainbow baby. I have already picked out a name for the baby if its a girl! Audrey Grace will be her name. I really wanted to remember Gracie somehow so i decided that the middle name of this child if it is a girl will be Grace in remembrance of her. :) So, thats really all for now.. I have my birth plan all ready and my doctor is amazing so soon i will be posting my birth plan!

BIG NEWS!

So, I have got the most wonderful news! We are Pregnant! Finally after almost 2 years of trying we are pregnant! 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant to be exact! Just the feeling of total joy and happiness is amazing! I cannot believe we have been blessed with another beautiful little baby! Life is so good right now! Doctors appointment on the 29th of May for our first visit and i cannot wait to go! its only a few days away but im so excited! This is a new journey in life that i pray goes well.. i just want another little one to hold and love and finally thats what im getting!

Baby Bug!

why so many tears

Somedays i just dont think that anyone can hear my prayers, or maybe im not screaming loud enough? I just want my rainbow baby, thats all i want is my rainbow baby. I have tried and tried and tried and i have gotten to the point that every time i hear of a pregnancy i just burst out into tears. I try so hard to be happy for them but jealousy takes over. I am never upset with the person but with God.. Why cant i have a baby? Why cant i get that special feeling? WHY? I sit here with tears running down my face screaming for answers that no one has. Sophie is the light of my world and i love her so much but i keep waiting for my rainbow baby and it seems as though its never going to happen. I feel as if i am never going to get the privilege to be a new mommy again. Never get the feeling of butterflies in my stomach and know that's part of me in there.

Happy Angelversiary baby girl..

Gracie, 

      It has been 2 whole years since you left my womb and went straight into Gods hands. There isnt a day that goes by that i do not think of you. I always wonder who you will look like, what milestones you will be hitting, How much you and your big sister Sophie would love each other. As i sit here and wonder about you i have so many emotions going through me.. Love, anger, sadness, and confusion.. Love because i will always love you angel darling, always, you are apart of me and you will forever live in my heart. Anger because i just dont understand why it had to be you that was taken from me, before i even got to hold you, or see you, you were gone. Im so confused as to why God took you from us so soon. But most of all i am full of happiness that i got to meet you for just that one minute, that i got to have you in my womb, and feel the "butterflies" of you in my tummy. I lit 4 candles for you tonight darling, and set them out on the porch for you to see. I hope you enjoyed them. I also sent you 2 balloons one was purple and one was pink, with a note attached for you. I know you were there with me tonight as i set the balloons free, i could feel your warmth in my heart. Though i am crying, its not just tears of sadness, its tears of joy, & happiness. I am glad to have this special time with you. I loved laying out on the lawn tonight just watching the stars and talking to you and singing to you. I hope that you will forever watch over our family, and especially your big sister. Are you the one she has been talking to at night? A couple nights a week i get out of bed to her laying there talking to someone and giggling, looking out the end of her bed. I hope thats you sitting there with her letting her know that you love her. I miss you so much, there feels as if there is a void in my life, but a little spot full of love for you in my heart. i keep wanting to say i miss you over and over again because thats the only thing i can think of is how much i do miss you and wish you were here on earth with us. But i know that you watch over us and you are here, maybe not in the form of flesh, but in mind and spirit, and you always will be my love. Mommy loves you dearly and misses you so very very much. ♥

Love,
Mommy♥

Angelversiary #2

Made this Today For Gracie, Tomorow is her 2 year angelversiary, 2 whole years since that horrific day.

Mommy Loves you Gracie, see you soon darling.

♥Mommy♥

The Results are in..

So a few months ago i was writing about how i was going to several doctors for my heart and to figure out why we cannot conceive. Well, Here is the news we received...

The Heart Doctor told me that the heart palpitations are being caused by stress and eating unhealthy. So, he told me i may need to seek therapy for the stress and start eating right. 

The Gynecologist told me that i have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Which is causing my infertility, moodiness, hair loss, insulin resistance, and probably the heart troubles. The day i found out its like i couldn't breath. I want more children so badly! I cant believe that they can just give you a prognosis like that and tell you that in order to get pregnant again i would have to have fertility treatments. They did several blood draws, ultrasounds, and some other tests to confirm that it is in fact PCOS. 

All of this bad news is weighing on my heart. I want to have more children with my husband so badly. We have been trying for 1 year 1 month 2 weeks and 5 days so far. I just hope that God will bless us with one more healthy little child. I wanted a big family, but i may have to settle with a small family. That doesn't bother me at all, its just i feel like i have been stripped of my womanly capabilities. God made us woman to procreate and create life. So, why did he just take that from me? I feel as if i have been robbed! Our little girl Sophie is 2 years old. Shes growing so fast and i really miss having a little baby in the house. I miss nursing a child, cuddling with an infant sleeping on my chest, I miss being pregnant and looking down at my belly just wondering what the child will look like.. will they have my eyes? my noes? maybe their daddy's chin?.. I want it so bad. But i refuse to take fertility treatments because the side effects are awful and can cause an onset of many problems, and it increases your risk of cancer. I already have a high risk of cancer because of my condition and because of my family history. I just do not know what to think anymore. I feel as if it couldn't get any worse, but deep down i know it can. 

Bad News

So, i Got some bad news today from the doctor, I went to have a check up and they had to do an EKG on my heart because i have been having chest pains and Dizziness. Well, after the EKG the came back in and told me it was abnormal, and are sending me to a cardiologist. Then she is sending me to a OB/Gyn the same week to have some tests ran on my uterus because of my endometriosis. Ohh life just keeps throwing stuff at me! My dr. and i discussed Gracie as well, because i want to know if there's any way they can know what caused her to go to heaven. She said if the endo was severe when i got pregnant then that could have caused it. So, Hopefully things will go well in a couple of weeks with all these dr. apts. I just pray every night that everything comes out ok, and even if it doesn't then i know i have someone waiting for me on the other end.. Gracie, Mommy loves you sweetie, send me fairy dust and angel kisses to keep me strong for your daddy and sissy.. I love you Sweetheart! ♥♥♥

Gracies birthday♥

Gracies Balloon Release.. an orange balloon instead of a purple one, i couldnt find a purple one.

The little white thing beside the baloon is not the moon, it was completely covered with clouds tonight.. i think it was Gracie..  ♥

♥Birthday Letter to Gracie♥

Hello my little one..

Today We should be celebrating your birthday, but instead you are celebrating it in Heaven. Oh how mommy misses you, it would be your first birthday with you big Sister, she was born on this same day she will be two! Mommy is making you a Tiny chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing, and sprinkles.. I hope you can see the Tiny little "1" candle shining from heaven. I wish you could be here to celebrate with us, and recieve gifts, and eat cake.. I miss you so much. I know i never got to hold you in my arms, but just you being that tiny little flutter in my tummy is all i needed to know that i love you. Keep a lookout tomorow for a pretty purple balloon, mommys going to write you a message on it and send it to heaven, just for you. Happy 1st Birthday Gracie, Mommy loves you oh so much. I wish i could hug and kiss you just once. I will be able to someday, Mommy will see you again my tiny one, one day i will come up to visit, and get to see you playing and dancing with all the other little angel babies and children. I hope you are Happy, and strong, and i know your beautiful, and i Hope you like your cupcake and your balloon that im going to send to you tomorrow. I love you Gracie, with all my heart and soul. See you soon my darling.

Love,

Mommy♥

Just a little Hello.♥

The picture Above is of me and my wonderful Husband Neal. we got Married March 25th 2011.

Just wanted to introduce myself a bit. My name is Heather Stultz, i am happily married to my husband Neal, and we have 2 daughters, one who is here with us,Sophie, and the other is in Heaven her name is Gracie. We have been TTC Since December 2010, and wish to have another amazing little miracle. I made this blog for other mothers or fathers out there who have lost a child, so i can have people to talk to that understand my situation, and can relate to my Situation. So, thanks for looking and reading and following, I hope that we can make new friends and new shoulders to cry on when we need it.

Can you see me?

I was wondering today if little Gracie is watching down on us.. we have had such bad luck here lately. My husband just lost his job, and its 3 weeks until Sophie Birthday party.. UGH! Im stressed out to the max! we don't have any money because we just paid all of our bills and now with no job Sophie isn't going to have a 2nd birthday party.. i could just about break down and sob at this point. It makes me Wonder if little Gracie is up there begging god to help us.. I saw a rainbow yesterday evening, and they say rainbows tell good fortune.. well i do hope so. Another big reason im stressed is because People just wont get off our backs.. He just lost his job on Sunday ( a week ago) and my grandparents are already being assholes about it.. they came and demanded their rent money, because were staying in one of their rentals, and wouldn't accept no for an answer so i forked it over, leaving us with NOTHING.. and we haven't even gotten groceries yet!!!! Why do people just seem to not care about others well being especially when Were family! Im just in a pissy mood and don't understand how it works sometimes.. AND on top of all of that there is me and my husband, we have been TTC for awhile now since Dec of 2010. and we finally gave up about a month and a half ago.. well.. needless to say were "late".. just at the exact moment i don't think i can handle anything more. I know he will have a job very soon but the fact is we live in a tiny 2 bdroom trailer. How are we going to fit another human being in here?  we had plans to purchase a place a year from Sept 2010 well, we had to spend our savings when the truck and car broke down simultaneously.. and now no job. oh what is a girl to do? It seems like when one thing goes wrong EVERYTHING goes wrong.. why is that? i just dont get it.. how bad can one persons luck be? well, on another note, If i am Pregnant i will be happy no matter what.. Just to have that feeling again will be all i need to cheer up.. one week from now i will be testing so please send me prayers and good luck wishes.. I want another little one. I thought for almost  a year after losing Gracie that i would Never have another one but as i have seen my daughter Sophie grow up and Learn, It makes me want to have another little baby to take care of. Sophies almost to the point that she can do just about everything by herself! its sad but also very very joyous. I love my girls, Sophie and Gracie, And i know little Gracie is looking down on us saying its going to be ok mommy i promise. I think thats why i saw that rainbow yesterday.. She was trying to cheer me up and comfort me. 


Gracie my dear,
if your looking down here at us please ask God to help us, however that might be. 

Gracies Story..

I am a proud mother of 2 little girls, One named Sophie who will be 3 on August 4th 2012, and my youngest who left this world all too soon, her name is Gracie, and this is her story.


well, i guess i'll start from the very beginning.. Me and my husband had just had our first little Girl Sophie Leeann Stultz.. She was about 2 months old when we found out we were pregnant again.. ohh boy is what i thought.. We could barely afford Sophie and now were going to add another little life into this mess.. well, a few weeks after going to the Dr and finding out the news of the pregnancy i began to get excited because we figured her due date and it was a day after Sophie's birthday! oh my what a surprise! What an amazing thing it would be to have two children born on the very same day but not be "twins".. well i guess then our luck turned for the worse.. About 2 months into my pregnancy i still didn't feel or look pregnant.. i know they say every pregnancy is different but this wasn't right. I felt empty. I called the Dr and he had me come in and said everything was fine to just go home and get some rest that i was probably just exhausted from just having Sophie.. well i did just that.. We called Neals Mom and asked her to keep Sophie for a few days while i rested and caught up on the house work. well 2 days later i didn't feel any different. I kept telling Neals mom that i felt odd, i didnt feel pregnant, that actually i felt "normal". I didnt have any cravings, no sickness, nothing.. my Dr passed if off as just difference in pregnancies.. well as the days went on i wondered and wondered.. then one day i woke up to a pain in my stomach.. I immediately freaked out, my husband was a work and i had no clue what to do. So i called our dr. He said it was nothing and told me to rest, and that i probably just needed to stay in bed until the next appointment which was 1 1/2 weeks away.. I Disagreed and told him i wanted to be seen, there was no openings at all until my Appointment. A few hours later i began to spot. once again i called my Dr. asked (frantically) what i should do he told me to lie down and take it easy.. it seems that is what he always told me, never a care in the world, makes me mad now to know that there was something wrong and no one helped me. Anyway, I didnt lay down, i went to the ER, after being there 3 hours and not being seen i was coaxed into going home and eating and going to bed, not knowing the next day would be the worst day of my life. I woke up to Sophie crying wanting her bottle.. Neal got up and got it and brought her into the room to play.. at this point i was told not to do anything strenuous, dont hold anything over 5lbs, dont push,pull, or do anything pretty much. so i couldnt do anything for her, which tore me apart.. i couldnt hold my princess, it broke my heart, but i went by the Drs orders and did what i was told. later that evening we went to Neals mom and Dads to eat Supper, i was feeling bad again and was Crampy, not too bad but it did make me uneasy, i told neals mom about it and she said i should go to the Dr., well i couldnt because he was booked. She got me her heating pad and lay me down on her bed until supper. At the supper table the smell of food made me feel sick.. i went to stand up to go to the Living room and sit down and my world literally crashed to the floor.. Blood ran down my legs, and i doubled over in pain, in that very moment i realized.. "shes dead..". Neals mom helped me to the Bathroom and helped me get my Soaked jeans off, sat me on the toilet and called the Dr. i put one of Sophie diapers on and soaked it in minutes. We rushed to The Hospital, When we got there my husband carried me into the hospital because i couldnt walk, my legs were like pieces of jello..and they immediately placed us in a room. my mom and aunt came to Support me, and by the end of hte night my whole family was in the waiting room I told my mom to get rid of them that i didnt want anyone to see me the way i was and i didnt want to see anyone at all.. While in the Room with my mom and husband i went to the bathroom, and when i stood up there she was, a little pinkish figure, she had tiny little arms and little beginnings of hands and feet she was about the size of a plum. My mom was in there with me since i was still having trouble walking due to the massive blood loss.. She saw her too, so tiny, so precious. we called the Nurse and she called the Dr in to look at it.  He just looked whispered something to the nurse and FLUSHED HER. I lost it. i couldnt contain my anger at this idiot of a doctor. i screamed at him, telling him i wanted to know what was wrong with her. he just said it was a Spontaneous Abortion.. that set me off like a rocket, i know that is a medical term but it was not the thing i wanted to hear, i did not kill my baby!!!! This was a cruel act of nature, and not my fault!! He left, and once again i sat there bewildered at what just happened, Crushed, and broken. I lay on that "bed" for 5 hours and bled, they did nothing for me. They did do one ultrasound and said it was all out of me, and that if the Dr released me i could go home. At almost 4 months Gestation you would think it wouldnt just "be gone" like that. but she was.. The Dr released me and told me not to do anything but get up to go the the bathroom and eat for 3 days or until my bleeding stopped. I left the hospital empty handed, no baby, no nothing. I wonder why they didnt do any tests to see what was wrong with her, or was it something wrong with me? I will never know for sure. But what i do know is in that instant that i saw her all curled up in the bowl of the toilet, i will never forget it. Within 8 long grueling hours my world was shook, rocked, and turned completely upside down. After that i cried for days asking why it was me? why it was Gracie? what did i do wrong? it took me almost a year to realize it but its because she was too perfect for earth. And i will never be the same, i will always wonder about her and care and love her even if she is in heaven..


 An angel in the book of life wrote down Gracies Birth date and whispered as he closed the book, Too beautiful for this earth.




Gracie, Give Grandma Wanda a kiss for us, and send us rainbows and butterflies every chance you get. Play with all the other angels and be good, mommy will see you again one day my dear. i love you. ♥


♥♥♥1/29/2010♥♥♥


Her Origional edd was 8/4/2010 but after the miscarriage they put her at 7/13/2010