writing again

After a rather long hiatus, I am finally able to look at everything here and have a small bit of peace about it. Since my last post We have been pregnant, lost it, and we are now pregnant again, 23 weeks along to be exact. It took so long, 4 years of pure hell but we are here. When we found out we were pregnant in August I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it honestly. I went through the motions, had morning sickness, and finally about 2 weeks later we had our first doctors appointment. (After finding out we had PCOS a while back I was told that the likely hood of getting pregnant was >8% and the chance of carrying full term was even smaller, i was terrified.) Well, We went in to see our doctor, his name is Dr. Sakbun, He went over our history of miscarriages and you could see the sadness in him as he was reading my charts, and he was overjoyed for us that we were pregnant again. He made himself completely available for me anytime I wanted to talk or see him or anything. He really is a wonderful doctor. He told us that day of our first appointment that he would do everything he could to help us  if that meant counseling, medication, bed rest, anything he could do, which was way more than any doctor had ever done for us at this point. We done our first ultrasound that day as well and learned that he was very healthy, and growing normally, and I cried seeing him there so tiny on that ultrasound, hearing his heart thump thump, he was there, he was alive. We were scheduled for our next visit in 3 weeks.

3 long weeks passed, everyday was so stressful, and still is, I kept thinking something terrible was going to happen, kept having terrible nightmares. I couldn't sleep and the morning sickness was still there and eating was a chore. I had lost roughly 20 lbs in our first 3 months being pregnant. My husband was worried that I was losing too much weight, He kept commenting on how thin my face had gotten and how pale my face was and how dark my eyes were. I couldn't help it, I tried to eat, the only thing that wouldn't upset my stomach was fruit so I ate that by the pound. Our next appointment we had another ultrasound just to check in on him and we had blood work done. He was so big at this point it was amazing, he had went from a tiny little dot on the screen with a heartbeat to an alien like figure with a head and arms and legs. He was beautiful, he was mine. I couldnt believe how much he had grown in just 3 short weeks, it was quite amazing. We got out blood work done and my pelvic exam and the doctor sat with us and told us everything he knew about our pregnancy so far. He told us that everything was healthy so far and that after week 13 we would be 99% in the clear, not 100% because nothing in life is 100%. We were scheduled for another appointment in 3 weeks.

3 more weeks had passed and we were back in his office, he read my blood work and said I was healthy as a horse and so was the baby, he asked if we had any concerns or questions and answered everything I had to ask, and sat and talked with us. Our next appointment was to find out boy or girl! It was scheduled for 8 days before christmas! On the day we were supposed to go see our baby the doctor called and he was sick and wasn't in his office that day so we had to reschedule, 2 more agonizing weeks to wait to see our baby. 2 weeks passed and the day before our appointment the blizzard of the century hit, a foot of snow!! Once again, we had to reschedule for 2 more weeks away. That 2 weeks CREPT by ever so slowly but finally when it was here we were so excited! Sophie and I met up with Neal at the doctors office at 3:30pm and our appointment was set for 4pm. I drank a bottle of water and tried not to be nervous. They called us back and Sophie, Neal and I got settled onto the table and ready to see our baby. Sophie was so excited she couldn't stop bouncing up and down on her daddy's lap. She was (and is) so excited to have a little baby in the house finally. They started the ultrasound and Sophie jabbered to the nurses about how she was going to get a little sister. Well, needless to say she was VERY disappointed, she was getting a brother. We are getting a SON! A bouncing baby boy! I thought Neal was going to cry when he heard he was finally getting his son, I know I did.

So far we are 23 weeks along, and our little boy is healthy, and that is all we can ask for.