Happy Angelversiary baby girl..

Gracie, 

      It has been 2 whole years since you left my womb and went straight into Gods hands. There isnt a day that goes by that i do not think of you. I always wonder who you will look like, what milestones you will be hitting, How much you and your big sister Sophie would love each other. As i sit here and wonder about you i have so many emotions going through me.. Love, anger, sadness, and confusion.. Love because i will always love you angel darling, always, you are apart of me and you will forever live in my heart. Anger because i just dont understand why it had to be you that was taken from me, before i even got to hold you, or see you, you were gone. Im so confused as to why God took you from us so soon. But most of all i am full of happiness that i got to meet you for just that one minute, that i got to have you in my womb, and feel the "butterflies" of you in my tummy. I lit 4 candles for you tonight darling, and set them out on the porch for you to see. I hope you enjoyed them. I also sent you 2 balloons one was purple and one was pink, with a note attached for you. I know you were there with me tonight as i set the balloons free, i could feel your warmth in my heart. Though i am crying, its not just tears of sadness, its tears of joy, & happiness. I am glad to have this special time with you. I loved laying out on the lawn tonight just watching the stars and talking to you and singing to you. I hope that you will forever watch over our family, and especially your big sister. Are you the one she has been talking to at night? A couple nights a week i get out of bed to her laying there talking to someone and giggling, looking out the end of her bed. I hope thats you sitting there with her letting her know that you love her. I miss you so much, there feels as if there is a void in my life, but a little spot full of love for you in my heart. i keep wanting to say i miss you over and over again because thats the only thing i can think of is how much i do miss you and wish you were here on earth with us. But i know that you watch over us and you are here, maybe not in the form of flesh, but in mind and spirit, and you always will be my love. Mommy loves you dearly and misses you so very very much. ♥

Love,
Mommy♥

Angelversiary #2

Made this Today For Gracie, Tomorow is her 2 year angelversiary, 2 whole years since that horrific day.

Mommy Loves you Gracie, see you soon darling.

♥Mommy♥

The Results are in..

So a few months ago i was writing about how i was going to several doctors for my heart and to figure out why we cannot conceive. Well, Here is the news we received...

The Heart Doctor told me that the heart palpitations are being caused by stress and eating unhealthy. So, he told me i may need to seek therapy for the stress and start eating right. 

The Gynecologist told me that i have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Which is causing my infertility, moodiness, hair loss, insulin resistance, and probably the heart troubles. The day i found out its like i couldn't breath. I want more children so badly! I cant believe that they can just give you a prognosis like that and tell you that in order to get pregnant again i would have to have fertility treatments. They did several blood draws, ultrasounds, and some other tests to confirm that it is in fact PCOS. 

All of this bad news is weighing on my heart. I want to have more children with my husband so badly. We have been trying for 1 year 1 month 2 weeks and 5 days so far. I just hope that God will bless us with one more healthy little child. I wanted a big family, but i may have to settle with a small family. That doesn't bother me at all, its just i feel like i have been stripped of my womanly capabilities. God made us woman to procreate and create life. So, why did he just take that from me? I feel as if i have been robbed! Our little girl Sophie is 2 years old. Shes growing so fast and i really miss having a little baby in the house. I miss nursing a child, cuddling with an infant sleeping on my chest, I miss being pregnant and looking down at my belly just wondering what the child will look like.. will they have my eyes? my noes? maybe their daddy's chin?.. I want it so bad. But i refuse to take fertility treatments because the side effects are awful and can cause an onset of many problems, and it increases your risk of cancer. I already have a high risk of cancer because of my condition and because of my family history. I just do not know what to think anymore. I feel as if it couldn't get any worse, but deep down i know it can.